Author: absinraw

I don’t know where to start it all from. 12 years have been passed. I’ve always thought of this time out of the blues in these past years, and each time, have laughed it off. It never felt near, always a distant possibility. Lying myself each time that plenty of time is in our hands. And now…

I still remember how hard it was to convince Maa and Papa to bring you home. “Who will take care of him?” was always a deal-breaker. You can’t easily convince your parents when you are fourteen. Luckily for me, one day they did get convince. Though to be very honest, we thought we will bring you in as little as they come, “eyes not opened yet”. So you can imagine our surprise when we found you pretty large and as old as 2-3 months when we first saw you. Boy, you grew fast! And well I loved you the first time I saw you. I don’t remember when I laughed harder, the time when you slurped up all the milk given in the first go, like you’ve been hungry for an eternity, or the moment when Papa approved you, given the look of disbelief in Maa’s eyes after seeing your single frame body.

I was the happiest fourteen years old in town that day. And have been the happiest chap in my age category since then.

Many people have asked me across the time, who’s my best friend. My answer’s always been you. One who never revealed my secrets always heard my random rantings with patience, always was there for me during my lows without a single sigh. You never bailed on me and have always allowed me to sleep on you. You never shook hands, never brought the ball back, but instead ran away with the ball wanting me to chase you and then ended up puncturing the ball. Even the fully bloated basketball!

I’ve never seen someone as graceful, as casually cheeky, as dumb, as cute as you.

Each time when you were unwell due to one reason or the other, it just made me realize how crucial your existence has turned out to be for me, for us. And now when you are going to sleep on for too long..

It’s unfair. I asked you to be all fit and fine the next time we meet. You are not keeping our promise. I know its selfish for me asking you to even breathe but… You know how my relationship with God is. I rarely pray. And it’s always the same routine of thanking for everything and asking for guidance. Last time I asked Him to heal you. To make you healthy even if the cost was something I would bear. It’s stupid, but I have been eager to hear your dramatic recovery since my leg got twisted. It was one thing not hearing to me when I asked Him to help me score good marks in exams, but this? Why would you go so far to prove that dumb story right that dogs take any harm meant for their masters on themselves? Couldn’t you just let it be just the opposite for once?

I wish you could read it and understand it that you are and always will be one of the most precious things in my life. And not being able to do anything for you, the feeling of helplessness can’t be measured and quantified in terms of physical pain. I know it was I who made the initial suggestion of relieving you of the pain you are going through all along. Because I saw you that it wasn’t just the body, it was your self-esteem that shattered during this period. It might sound funny to many people around, but I understood you when you stood outside in the rain but refused to take help to climb the stairs back inside. But now my resolution has dissolved. Just eat all the cabbage you want.. even eggs too… but don’t leave… Just get well overnight… You have taught me things which I never thought you even knew. Please teach me one last thing. Please teach me that miracles do happen…

I know how much you love to run away just because you want me to chase you. Just don’t go so far that I won’t be able to.

———-

I know I have been selfish above, but the kid that grinned like a fool when he brought you home 12 years ago at least deserves to speak his heart. You’ve been the best friend I needed till now. Finally, it’s my turn to be the one for you. I might never be able to forgive myself for not being able to be there with you tomorrow but will try to remind myself that it gave you the freedom you always deserved.

I just wish you could speak and tell me it is the right decision.

He checked his mobile. Stared at the blinking “11:40 P.M” at the lock screen and flipped it aside.

“Seriously??” he sighed and brought his head resting on his knees.

He knew they weren’t talking. Was not told why but didn’t mind. He knew it was coming. If she wouldn’t have done it, maybe at some point he himself would have taken similar step. This acceptance was a silent nod to her decision, which could have easily been his. It’s been not so long though. B’days have always been overrated. He was not that much into celebrating. But he did hope for the call. He had a chat with his bestie the other night. Told him about this inkling of his. This premonition of a ruined day ahead. And his bestie didn’t leave a stone unturned to prove him wrong. Nor his other friends. But heart wants what it wants.

He tried the laptop this time. “11:42 P.M” popped up at the bottom right corner of the screen.

He couldn’t help but curse under his breath. “Damn it! Why the time is running so slow? Why isn’t it past 12 already?” He was fed up of waiting for the call or a message anywhere across hundreds of platforms humans have invented to connect with each other. It’s silly how this increase in number, just strengthens the unnecessary voice of optimism inside a rationally sound man. As if optimism needs any support. Hopeless optimism in itself is a viral disaster. He was trying to curb it with the shots of realism. Practicality. And with the passing time, he felt it under control. He now just wished the time to pass, so that he could move to the next phase pass 12, of blocking his brain for a bit.

He reached for his mobile again to check time. It rang.

The name was not the one his eyes have been waiting for day long. It was his *bestie.

“Haan bol.” he picked up his mobile and answered trying not to sound disappointed. “Kuch nahi yaar. Socha last me bhi mai hi wish karu.” came an elated voice from the other end. Its been years since he wished him first. It does sound childish, but people do care who wished them first. And please, sometimes try to fix it up too..

He smiled. Happiness could be infectious too. “Go Ahead.”

“Wait, there’s someone else on the line”, and the voice changed into a female one. “Hello..”

His heart skipped a beat. “It’s her!” His mind screamed with ecstasy. “She did call! So they planned it up. Idiots! I had this feeling that something’s fishy!” It didn’t even last a second. Suddenly his excitement turned into anger. Not calling for so long and pulling a stunt like this, when he has been waiting all day! He cut the call.

His mobile screen flashed the name of his bestie 8 times in the next 15 odd minutes. He sat there looking at the watch waiting eagerly for the hands to walk past 12. He promised himself that after pulling such a stunt he won’t allow her the satisfaction of the succession of her plan. He won’t allow her to wish him before 12. Childish.

And the clock struck 12. The mobile rang again. It was time. He picked it up.

“Hello? Why did you cut the phone?” came a surprised voice from the other end. “I didn’t. Network error maybe.”

“And why didn’t you answer the next 8 times I called?” questioned his *bestie. “Umm.. I think it didn’t connect.”

“And it did automatically past 12?” the voice at the other sounded a bit angry which suddenly changed into surprise. “Whom did you think the other voice was?”

This question suddenly alarmed him. “Whom?”

“Don’t tell me! You ended the call after you heard the girl saying hello. It wan’t her you idiot! She was my colleague.”

He reached for words and found empty air coming out from his mouth. His lips were not making any sensible shapes now. The voice of his *bestie woke him up. “You managed to make your premonitions true.”

“Sorry yaar. Bring your colleague on the conference please.” he replied while deciding what story to spin. He had a nice conversation with her, apologising for the disconnection and thanking for her belated wishes. He said good night to his *bestie, who asked him to take care.

His room was filled with absolute silence. Eerie atmosphere. He never self pitied, but what happened a few minutes ago made him not only pity himself, but he could swear that he heard something breaking inside him. Like the shattering of a glass. He described the incident as the gut wrenching punch, twisted till the end.

He lied down on his bed staring at the ceiling. Few minutes later, his eyes were still focused on the ceiling but his mind had wandered down to her. He could see himself standing outside the window to her room, trying to peek in just to find, was it that easy for her to say nothing? He could see her sitting on her bed, face down with head rested on her knees. Couldn’t figure out how she felt.

He had two options. Either to think she did it purposefully and it didn’t bother her. Or that she did it purposefully and was as hurt as he was. He made his choice and closed his eyes.

Want to know what choice he made?

It changes every night.

Whatever makes it easier for him to sleep.

*bestie = Best Friend

Attraction cannot be tied.. and it is nothing but the initial stage of love. There is always a possibility of it blooming to the next stage, or withering down to a shriveled carcass. Sometimes it is forced into a Bonsai. I think I read Late Dev Anand, not the exact words, but the gist was on the same line. That love can happen anytime. No matter when, no matter who, and no matter how long. Some people would never forget that one stranger they met and talked to, at the bus stop for a few seconds. It is love. Some people live their entire lives with a person. That’s love too. It is us who define and restrict it. Who taboo it and mask it as acceptable and anti-social. I’ve seen many people around me. Afraid of love, drowned in love, found in love, lost in love, lost love.

How does a person decide which love to embrace and which love to let pass by? Which love to live with till eternity and which love to remember till eternity. It’s too simple. You can’t. It’s always about that leap of faith. Are you willing to jump? Because you will definitely get injured. You never come out unscathed. But will it be worth it?

An artist always requires a muse. It’s his source of inspiration. Something to keep him ticking. More powerful the muse is, the wilder the creativity turns out to be. Sometimes you just need to accept what life offers you. Cause it doesn’t necessarily give you lemons. Sometimes it offers mango. I’ve decided to grab it. What about you?

Let’s talk about some perspective.

Firstly, a guy sleeping on a footpath, is not doing so by choice. Footpath, dividers, zebra crossings are there to increase the safety and convenience for both the pedestrians and the vehicles. It doesn’t mean a vehicle is free to be driven anywhere but on the road itself.

Drunk driving is illegal.

Though Salman Khan endorses Thumbs Up by saying “Aaj kuch toofani karte hain”, it doesn’t mean he rampaged the poor people sleeping on the footpath just because he felt like doing toofani. It was an accident. Just because he is an actor and loved by millions, doesn’t make him something better than a human. It was a mistake, a pretty heavy one at that with consequences and many lives destroyed. I don’t know much about law, so I won’t comment on the severity of the sentence. But he did deserve it.

So do other people who do the same.

Just because he is a high profile person, the attention given to this case is outrageous. A person usually opens news channel to see news, rather than knowing about the daily diary details of a person in a repetitive manner 24*7. I am not interested in knowing 1000 times how much this sentence is going to cost to the film producers because its not going from my pocket. He did something wrong, be it by mistake or under the influence of a substance, like 12 years ago. Our Indian Judiciary finally held him responsible for that.

Some people found it very interesting. As if they didn’t expect it. The examples of sentencing Sanjay Dutt, Shiny Ahuja and banning of Shahrukh Khan are some instances which should by now had somewhat instilled this belief in common people, that these peolpe are not above law and law knows it. But no. They are happy with the fact that he got jail. As if they had this personal grudge.

Some feel that it’s of no use at all as he will get bail. As if had they been in his place and had shitload money like he has, they wouldn’t have asked for bail at all or had not lined up an army of advocates for their defence. It’s as if people do like to see a downfall, as it makes them feel good that the other person is no better than themselves.

People might be feeling happy as they are taking this decision to be the reinforcement of the ideal belief that everyone is equal in the eyes of law.

But is it so?

Popular and Powerful are two entirely different words. Actors are popular for sure. But powerful??

I still doubt if this entire situation would have been the same, had it been a minister’s son instead of Salman Khan. So what is there to be happy about? What is there to celebrate?

I do agree that justice is considered to be a rarity and could be celebrated. But does that mean celebrating the punishment?
Feeling happy for a suffered and traumatized person finally getting justice is humane. But can the same be said for feeling happy about a criminal conviction? We are not talking about Azmal Kasab here, where the hatred was understandable. It’s about an actor most of you have loved or have laughed with on screen somewhere along in your life.

His sentence is correct. He is reaping what he had sown, when we talk about the 5 year imprisonment. But your hatred, that is just an added bonus. I sincerely feel that forgetting the goods deeds of a person or labelling them as a PR activity is a bit on the stretch. If one is unsure if his generous nature and kind heartedness is genuine, how can one be sure that it’s not?

And therefore I still somewhere feel that though the decision is right of him being sentenced, he caught the wrong end of this “popular” stick. Because of him being popular, out of all the cases, his case shone out in a light, like an odd one out and had to reach the end, which by the way many cases don’t. So he did pay the due price of being the popular guy.

It’s just as said once- Hate the crime but not the criminal.

And dear Mr. Abhijeet Bhattacharya,

From today, I will sincerely pray, to bless a person together with talent and a sound mind. Because when a talented person is found out to be lacking a sound mind, the utter disappointment overshadows talent.

*These views are personal and are subjected to change if a logical and valid point comes across later. It might be possible that later these views transform into something different from what they are now. I am more than welcome to listen to different views. So do keep in mind, these are just the thoughts of an individual, like the thoughts billions of individuals have.

As I sit here, looking at the sleeping face of the latest entrant in our family; my brand new cousin, lots of images flash through my mind. These images are not some glimpses of the past, but a peek into what future could possibly hold. That’s the power a newborn holds. They make you aware that although we live in the present, there is a future out there, unknown, full of infinite possibilities. I’ll be witnessing growing up of another individual who will go through a unique life of her own. With her own happiness, her own sorrows, ambitions, moments of joy, and what not. It makes me feel so tiny in this large, on a universal level, scheme.

We all try so hard to control things which are never actually in our control. We don’t even have a say in deciding our name, talk about people being control freak. We are always amazingly naive and innocent. We make ourselves aware of our own surroundings, but only to a level our evolved brain could possibly infer. Our consciousness on the other hand remains dormant. Asleep, like this infant in front of me. Completely unaware of the bigger, the actual picture. And as they say, ignorance is bliss.

Maybe it’s all for good.

Maybe opening up a gateway to the whole picture could baffle the level of understanding we possess. If this little girl wakes up now, she won’t be able to process what’s happening around her, won’t be able to express herself, and result in crying. So isn’t it good enough to keep your eyes closed and continue sleeping? Or would it be better to open your eyes and look around, though crying, to slowly start the journey in a new, uncharted territory.

And lo, she is awake and smiling..