Author: absinraw

  • ABOUT THIS NIGHT

    ABOUT THIS NIGHT

    Something about this night is melancholic. It feels like a thirst, of something that never went down my throat. It feels like missing a place that I never visited. This night makes me yearn for something that never took place, but my imagination engraved it deep in my consciousness, which now feels more like a memory than a dream.

    This night is fickle. It whirrs like a broken projector, throwing out random images, which feel like were once being played on the curtains of sight. But I am not sure if they did. It must be the night, blurring the wisp of the edge between what I never saw but I wished I did, and what I saw but doesn’t matter if I did.

    This night is quiet. It has left the noise of the scribble, the rough sound of the nib of my pen, scraping over the coarse paper to be the music of my choice. It seems to be the only music that can soothe my heart tonight.

    This night is alive, and I have caught its fancy.

    So, I know. It is going to be a long night.

  • Protected: WHAT BOTHERS ME

    Protected: WHAT BOTHERS ME

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  • PHILOSPHY OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU

    PHILOSPHY OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU

    With the wisdom imparted by the age nearing the 30s, which is only going to be dismantled by my experiences post 30, my current understanding of how people in your life appear, disappear, reappear or retain has changed substantially. From bunching the people together from the crowd, like stacking your favourite crayons from the pack, painting every picture in the colour book with them, to creating batches of different people for different phases in life, like the set of clothes you wore two summers ago, are not fit for Goa this summer. The philosophy has evolved deeper by considering the anomalies from both ends of the spectrum.

    People around you can be considered to be a cluster of unique sheep, who even though are unique but their uniqueness won’t cross the foundation of being a sheep. Let’s start it with people being inherently needy and selfish. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But to be okay with it, you need to acknowledge it. After acknowledging it, you need to assess yourself. Only when you know the categories of needy and selfish in which you and the people around you fall, you are better equipped to make rational relationships, that will survive.

    If you are a person who needs someone to discuss things that happens with you to make sense of, you are needy. If you are someone who needs to discuss things at times with others to get just an opinion, you are needy at that moment. If you just share things with people at times as a transaction to what they share, you are pretending to be needy.

    Similarly, if you expect things from people, you are selfish. If you expect things from people because you believe you would do it for them, still selfish. If you don’t expect things from others because one should believe in giving than taking, you are a saint (it exists in individualistic situations mostly). If you don’t expect things from others because there is a chance they’ll betray it, you are self-centered selfish.

    People who think it does not apply when you are in a relationship, it kind of does. That’s what people mean when they say you have changed after being with someone.

    Again, it’s my philosophy, so feel free to pick up what you like, drop what you don’t and make amends where you feel like it for yourself. Or maybe simply discard it and make your own. But the idea behind it is to assess or to predict the behaviour of the people’s interaction with your life.

    As far as I have come to know myself, I don’t relate much with too needy, apart from at times pretending to be one, but I am partially selfish. I tend to be selfish with people until I realize I am being so. Once I know it, I get rid of it, selfishness i.e. If you think that is me riding on the high horse, let me break it down for you a bit further. This act of getting rid of, selfishness towards others, is the greatest possible kind of selfishness I could show for myself. Because the awareness I have towards having any possible dependency on people around me leads me to a place where every act I do seems to come from a place where nothing in return is expected. Which is as wrong as it can be, as what I expect is my peace that comes by not diving too deep.

    This only sounds saintly, but it gives birth to relations that are usually heavily unbalanced. It’s plain stupidity wrapped in nobility to fool people who haven’t witnessed true nobility because growth is always mutual. So the people that I make good long-lasting relationships with, are those who are stupid enough to follow the same school of thought and just distribute with open arms. Luckily, I have found enough to survive.

    Now when you know this profile, you know how long you could handle a person like me in your life. For example, a needy person would love me, but a needy and selfish person would first love me and then continuously put up complaints about my lack of availability and the relation being driven by them, which will not be wrong in essence, but the point they’ll miss is, even without them taking a lead which means dialing down their selfishness, the relationship will still go somewhere. Only the steering wheel will not be in their hand.

    Or maybe a pretending to be needy person, like me, will be perfectly suitable to be around me. But if they are self-centred selfish, it will create an internal clash with their neediness, making it a very shallow relation.
    These are only but two parameters, and there are many more. Like the level of assumptions an individual carry, or degree of openness towards changes. These not only refine the profiling and comparisons better but helps in taking a knowledgeable call about the direction of your relationships with people around you.

    I have tweaked my standing with many people around me based on this understanding lately, and I have yet to find an anomaly that makes me want to tweak this philosophy further. But the bottom line is, it truly is important who you keep around yourself, and why. Even if you don’t agree with anything written above, think about it and maybe come at your conclusion, and you will find your life taking a turn for the best.

  • FLOWING IN THE DREAM

    FLOWING IN THE DREAM

    It all fades away.

    The reality of the memory slowly gets evaporated into nothingness, all thanks to the dry winds generated by the moving hands of the clock. We keep the chunks escaping the sieve, and define those memories again, rewriting the nuances that suits our narration.

    We fuck reality the way we want and give birth to our hallucinations.



  • DEPARTURE AT ENTRY GATE NO. 7

    DEPARTURE AT ENTRY GATE NO. 7

    “Was it always supposed to be this tough…?” He asked while we both looked at the plane in the sky zooming in and passing by us for the runway. The years have just changed the location from railway platforms to airport terminals. The doubts, the fatigue of the redundant questions with no right answers still lingered at our shoulders. More so over mine, as to be it for the better or for the worse, my life was not even on the line.

    “Are we talking about the decision or the execution?” I tried to steer away from a confrontational debate just before he flew back to his home. It was of no use filling him up with my ‘radical’ thought process because he’s not that person. He’s not that son, he’s not that brother. He cared a lot. He would rather give up his dreams, his happiness rather than fighting for it. Me? I didn’t even know what I would have done. I could speak a ton, but I could never put myself in his shoes. They are quite heavy. Or maybe I am just too used to carrying my own peculiar weight.

    “I have made my decision.” His voice was pretty firm. It rarely is. A smile appeared on my face as I turned away to look at the large watch hanging at the gate no. 7 of the airport entry. Ten minutes and he’d move to check-in. “What about execution?” I asked as I found him checking his wristwatch for the confirmation. “What do you think?” He questioned me as if he’ll do it whatever was that I’ll speak of. All I could reply was a sigh. You can’t appear light when families are involved. Had it been a few years back, I would have suggested him to elope, as I have had on several occasions. We had a good laugh immediately after those too. On one occasion, we were at the verge of orchestrating it, but time went against us. This time it seems neutral.

    “What about her? What does she have to say?” I enquired before making any comment. He laughed as if I have told him the funniest joke he has heard in recent times. “What do you think she would say? She’s the one keeping me in check, talking sense into me.” I wasn’t surprised at all. He was damn lucky that way. I am not a jealous person at all, but I was jealous of him. And I had come clean about it many a time. If I had what he had found, I would have run away with it like my life was on the line. But here we stood to discuss the execution of a decision which is, hard. The only option they had, which was less practical, more idealistic. The option to wait.. till they can be together.

    “Then you know what to do!” I cheered him as if that’s the best decision anybody could have come up with. Probably it was, but I had turned too practical for my own good. I doubted how it would fare when your mother cries in front of you, your father refuses to talk to you as for him you have gone insane, and your brother is just being as practical and Mr Know-it-all as I was. But I realized that he knows it too, and its confirmation is not what he needs. What he needs is an affirmation, that some things are worth fighting against the odds. Some people, are worth much more. They find each other adding exponential value to each other. I am not a gambler, but if I had to bet my everything on a victory, this would have been it.

    “We’ll see how it goes.” His answer defied what his face let out, a relaxed grin, as he picked up his bag, gave me a hug, and walked towards the entry gate no. 7. Whereas, I stood there wondering, what would have happened if I had fallen in love with a girl, whose faith differed than mine.