Tag: Diary

  • TO THE BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH

    TO THE BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH

    Dear Butterflies,

    Long time no see!

    I thought you all moved to someplace else, because it had been quite some time since I last heard from you. I was confused then, struggling to understand whether the absence was good or bad.

    I still am, about your return.

    No matter how much I enjoy the fleeting feeling of nervousness that zaps through my body like a jolt from fingers to toes, it’s hard not to notice the companions that seek you. I don’t blame you for them, but you all did hang around with”uncertainty” and “rejection” all day long in the past. You definitely have attracted some bad company in the past, and I can still see their faces lurking out just outside the gates.

    It always puts me in a difficult position, because I really enjoy being with you all. I always find a different side of myself in your presence, a much happier side. But I also hate to see you rush away as soon as those guys show up. Past mistakes are hard to wash away at times.

    I wish I was strong enough to stand up against them earlier, but they were strong, and ruthless. Now, I think I can deal with them, but putting you into the mix changes things. I don’t think I am capable enough to save you yet. If I decide to stand up for you, we both will suffer.

    So even though it was a thrill to meet you after so long, I think you should go back. It’s not safe for you yet. Maybe you should not pay me a visit for a while. Let’s maintain the distance for mutual safety and non-exposure to your street-side romeos.

    I hope the time comes when I’ll be strong enough to welcome you back and to protect you. Till then, just be alive.

    I’ll find you, I guess.

    Yours,

    Absinraw

  • BOX FULL OF EVENTS

    BOX FULL OF EVENTS

    It has been now quite some time now. Quite some time. It definitely takes this much time to mentally walk yourself through every possible permutation and combination of the supposed event. Could it have been prevented? Was that outcome the only possible outcome? Could it have been repaired? Was that reason the only reason? These all are just a few out of the list of one dimensional questions that together construct the entire narration of a particular event, in this case not a positive event, hence questions with preventive connotation. Then comes the permutations of each answer, followed by combinations of every single of these answers. Such a meticulous process right?

    Each decision in our life is filled with luck, accidents, irony and whatnot. Sometimes, a choice made just in the heat of the moment turns out to be the best gamble you ever played. Maybe superceding every other planned decision in your life. It is hard to decide whether it was just the thrill of it, or the unexpected outcome that pushes it to that spot. Or maybe it was the best chance decision. Similarly, sometimes the most thought out, planned, evenly weighed decisions fall flat in the bigger plans of life. This learning has lead me to believe in doing whatever I want, after weighing every situation possible, so that when the things go haywire atleast I would not be caught off guard.

    So, after the meticulous process, I was able to made peace with the event that happened in my life. I was able to statistically and realistically converge the possible outcomes together with the actual outcome. I was able to come to terms with the fact, that it has happened and it was not just by chance, but the most obvious outcome determined by the facts. Call it my self constructed closure.

    Here is where the irony comes at play. Any event has three parts, beginning, climax and end. I was able to justify just the end. The beginning and climax had been something that completely defied the logical thinking. I can logically diffuse something which seems logical enough. But I have no clue what to do about the beginning and the climax of this event. If the male human brain can be said to be comprised of several boxes, which are accessed one at a time, as per to the relevance of the situation, about 70% of the situations are referred to the same box which only has now a beginning and a climax in it, without an end.

    We all have our own events. I don’t need to name them. A box that has been weighing in for too long. That is cropping up repeatedly, seeming relevant with every other thing you experience.

    All I have been left with are such boxes, which lack one thing or the other. Here I sit quietly, pushing brain to work continuous overtimes for processing multiple equations of permutations and combinations, attempting to resolve the beginnings of some, climaxes of some more and endings of the rest.