Tag: friends

  • MOTTO FOR THIRTY

    MOTTO FOR THIRTY

    We can breakdown the lifecycle of a person, based on how we expect certain age numbers to mark as a shift in the state of our being. Like, hitting the 18-year mark and expecting the world to take you more seriously, legally. Or that 60-year mark, when your life starts to steer away from the road you have taken all your life and veer into these newer, greener pastures. I think the 30-year mark is the most transformative of the three.

    The 18 year marks the explosive outpour of the youthful energy when you are ready to take the bull by its horns. Whereas the 60-year mark is the goodbye to an old friend, a life long-lived to achieve something you sought, moving on to the new chapter, one filled with fulfilment, contentment and what follows next. But 30-year mark is all about a crucial junction of both; that justifies the person you were at 18 and defines the person you will at 60.

    Being 30 is chalking it out, the tentative plan of your life based on what you have accumulated till now, be it money, career, family, friends, or if nothing else then experience. Your eternal spring of youth now knows its depth. Your excitement knows better than poking some of the beehives that you would have confidently pelted stones at, at 18. You are not there yet and know that the journey is not going to be as breezy or beautiful as you thought it would. You are ready to accept it for what it is, with all of its flaws, and plan to make the best out of it. Being 30 is about acceptance.

    No, I am not 30 yet. I still have a year to go. But trying to understand what lays ahead always takes me back to what all went by. Only by retracing it all I will be able to figure out the way forward. So, with the timer started, I have exactly a year left to figure it all out, or maybe to accept all that has been figured out till now.

    Hence, this year is about fine-tuning my acceptance of situations around me. To address them, acknowledge them, and let it all breathe. Among the long list of things that needs to be wrapped up and tied with a neat bow to achieve it, one thing that’s going to be tricky is the abrupt endings.

    I realised today while talking to my friend that the people who enter your life, the ones with whom you make memories, fall under three categories:

    • The people who continue to be in your life.
    • The people who phased off your life organically.
    • The people who are not in your life anymore.

    The best thing about people who stick with you for long enough is that they stick with you through thick and thin. The years you put under your belt do convert into some amazing relationships, no matter the distance or frequency. Yes, the underlying assumption is the fact that they should be good humans, but I have been lucky in that department. I have friends from all spheres of my life, who have stuck by with me. If we calculate the dissociative tendencies I exuberate at times, I cannot take any credit in this department other than the fact that I tried keeping honesty at the plinth of each of these relationships. No matter how hard the going has gotten, no matter what they wanted to hear, if I have been asked for my honest opinion, I have told them the truth without holding any punches. Maybe it is the trust that has generated from this fact, that it’s not as if I won’t lie to them, but I sure will not if I am asked not to. You not only live your memories with them but also keep creating new ones on the go.

    Then there are people who belong to an alternate timeline now. You have been very close to them in the past, but due to situations, transitions, life in general, you end up phasing away from each other’s universe. Your fondest memories of them, are the recollections that always bring a smile to your face. It always feels as if the entire thing happened a few days, months, maybe years ago, but the truth is that your memories are of your school age, and they are having kids now. You have lived very different lives from those times, are most probably different human beings altogether now, but it fails to deter that smile, that fondness or that warmth that accompany those memories. You know if you cross your paths with them again, all it will take is just a smile to rekindle that warmth from the embers long-forgotten underneath the slumber of the life that happened.

    At last, the ones who have gone, the abrupt endings. You are not talking to them anymore. You may or may not know why. They are people who couldn’t stick and couldn’t phase away. You fell apart at some point, due to reasons known or unknown, but they are defined by the fact that you do not know where you stand with them. If there has been a person that has been close to you ever and is not anymore, and they did not belong to the above-mentioned categories, just put them here. Mostly you will find those people here whom you wish could have moved to the “phased off organically” category. You are in a dilemma because you do not know where they stand in your list, or where do you stand in theirs. When a memory with them hits, you smile, which converts into a frown a few minutes later, wondering what happened. Even if you know what happened, you wonder, if that was supposed to be it? There are some people who are easier than others to shift from this category into the other two. And then there are people who are to be figured out.

    I think my form of acceptance will be complete if I would be able to have zero inventory in the third category. No, it is not going to be easy. Yes, it is going to venture into some territories that might even open pandora’s box. But the best part about communication is that it is two-sided. One-sided communications are just attempts, that are harmless if not replied to. Rather than taking these attempts as an attack on your ego, you should be thankful for the fact that at least you tried, and that was what it meant to you, worth a shot. So you can move on, with a ball in their court. Anyhow, you will have an answer to your question the next time your mind plays a memory of them. If you are lucky enough, you will rediscover some amazing people that were lost as life happened, due to wrongly translated emotions, burdened expectations and situations. Worth a shot?

    As I prepare to enter into my 30s with a year to spare, I want to be ready to be accepting enough for what my future holds, with the confidence that can come only by accepting what my past was. Acceptance about the people you have or have had in your life is just one of the many domains in which acceptance is required. It comes in different variants like your career, your family, life goals, even the meaning of life in general. But these are not the answers I am seeking. Maybe you are, and you should.

    I just want to be ready, so that if I decide to take the bull by its horns sometimes post 30-year mark, I also remember to let it breathe a little and flung me upside down for a while too. After all, it’s my friend for this lifetime, life itself.

  • PHILOSPHY OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU

    PHILOSPHY OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU

    With the wisdom imparted by the age nearing the 30s, which is only going to be dismantled by my experiences post 30, my current understanding of how people in your life appear, disappear, reappear or retain has changed substantially. From bunching the people together from the crowd, like stacking your favourite crayons from the pack, painting every picture in the colour book with them, to creating batches of different people for different phases in life, like the set of clothes you wore two summers ago, are not fit for Goa this summer. The philosophy has evolved deeper by considering the anomalies from both ends of the spectrum.

    People around you can be considered to be a cluster of unique sheep, who even though are unique but their uniqueness won’t cross the foundation of being a sheep. Let’s start it with people being inherently needy and selfish. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But to be okay with it, you need to acknowledge it. After acknowledging it, you need to assess yourself. Only when you know the categories of needy and selfish in which you and the people around you fall, you are better equipped to make rational relationships, that will survive.

    If you are a person who needs someone to discuss things that happens with you to make sense of, you are needy. If you are someone who needs to discuss things at times with others to get just an opinion, you are needy at that moment. If you just share things with people at times as a transaction to what they share, you are pretending to be needy.

    Similarly, if you expect things from people, you are selfish. If you expect things from people because you believe you would do it for them, still selfish. If you don’t expect things from others because one should believe in giving than taking, you are a saint (it exists in individualistic situations mostly). If you don’t expect things from others because there is a chance they’ll betray it, you are self-centered selfish.

    People who think it does not apply when you are in a relationship, it kind of does. That’s what people mean when they say you have changed after being with someone.

    Again, it’s my philosophy, so feel free to pick up what you like, drop what you don’t and make amends where you feel like it for yourself. Or maybe simply discard it and make your own. But the idea behind it is to assess or to predict the behaviour of the people’s interaction with your life.

    As far as I have come to know myself, I don’t relate much with too needy, apart from at times pretending to be one, but I am partially selfish. I tend to be selfish with people until I realize I am being so. Once I know it, I get rid of it, selfishness i.e. If you think that is me riding on the high horse, let me break it down for you a bit further. This act of getting rid of, selfishness towards others, is the greatest possible kind of selfishness I could show for myself. Because the awareness I have towards having any possible dependency on people around me leads me to a place where every act I do seems to come from a place where nothing in return is expected. Which is as wrong as it can be, as what I expect is my peace that comes by not diving too deep.

    This only sounds saintly, but it gives birth to relations that are usually heavily unbalanced. It’s plain stupidity wrapped in nobility to fool people who haven’t witnessed true nobility because growth is always mutual. So the people that I make good long-lasting relationships with, are those who are stupid enough to follow the same school of thought and just distribute with open arms. Luckily, I have found enough to survive.

    Now when you know this profile, you know how long you could handle a person like me in your life. For example, a needy person would love me, but a needy and selfish person would first love me and then continuously put up complaints about my lack of availability and the relation being driven by them, which will not be wrong in essence, but the point they’ll miss is, even without them taking a lead which means dialing down their selfishness, the relationship will still go somewhere. Only the steering wheel will not be in their hand.

    Or maybe a pretending to be needy person, like me, will be perfectly suitable to be around me. But if they are self-centred selfish, it will create an internal clash with their neediness, making it a very shallow relation.
    These are only but two parameters, and there are many more. Like the level of assumptions an individual carry, or degree of openness towards changes. These not only refine the profiling and comparisons better but helps in taking a knowledgeable call about the direction of your relationships with people around you.

    I have tweaked my standing with many people around me based on this understanding lately, and I have yet to find an anomaly that makes me want to tweak this philosophy further. But the bottom line is, it truly is important who you keep around yourself, and why. Even if you don’t agree with anything written above, think about it and maybe come at your conclusion, and you will find your life taking a turn for the best.

  • B 3 0 7

    B 3 0 7

    Preparedness. That is the key to be acceptable of and comfortable in any given situation. Life changes, sometimes slowly over a period of time, or smack! right in your face overnight. But playing multiple simulated reruns of the situation in your mind helps in knowing exactly what to do when the time comes. People can call it overthinking too.

    However, the anomaly lies in the situations consisting of factors integral to your life, because the event maybe rehearsed, but the aftermath can only be predicted to a certain extent, and hence the preparedness would always be lousy at best. Hence it seeps in your life in ways you didn’t fathom, or didn’t want to think would fathom.

    The life that lied beyond the closed doors of B 3 0 7, still exists, in bits and pieces, in this universe. But the me that existed beyond it would only be able to make guest appearances in my life now. Like he comes and says hi whenever I am going out to buy momos, just in case I needed veg momos too, which is absurd. Or during the times when I return from the office to find the empty parking space filled, but with a different car. At times he makes me halt across these hawkers in case we need to buy Esse Lights.

    He does come in handy at times too, especially during shopping at malls, as his immunity to window shopping is godly. But mostly he comes in the form of reminiscence, like walking in the lift and glancing over the level 3 button before pushing the level 7.

    The thing that intrigues me about humans, is the fact that we do have a power to predict the future, by tracking the natural progression of things taking their due course. And hence humans also hold the power to change their future by causing an action to change the course of it. But we still choose to feel helpless due to a bizarre concept of freewill. So the situation should follow the desired course from the traditional one, not because we want so and will do things to ensure so, but because we think that the desired course is the better course. Or as if the situation has a conscience of its own which allows it to choose to occur in a certain way.

    How hard it is for us to accept the fact that our actions, or inaction cause the events in our lives to occur in a certain way? But then, even after knowing the same doesn’t make it easier to live with it. And maybe that’s why I end up departing with that part of me. It’s like breaking up with yourself on good terms. You know you wish well for each other, but also know would hurt each other more than doing good. So decide to walk on the separate paths with only happy memories kept alive.

    So, I guess I have broken up with the guy who thrived beyond the locked doors of B 3 0 7. Whatever he has taught me will always remain with me. But I knew what was coming, as they say, “all things, good or bad, come to an end”.

  • LITTLE THREADS OF SEPARATION

    SEPARATION – (noun) the action or state of moving or being moved apart.

    That is how the dictionary defines the word. But the beauty of it is what meaning it holds, even without a particular context. There itself lies the irony of it. A detailed discussion with a friend today suddenly made me realize the importance this word has held in my life. It has been a great teacher. That is why I treat both, the teacher and its teachings with reverence.

    Love, is like a fabric. Not a silk one, that’s just how you picture it. In reality, it is a fabric with the irregular texture, comprising of patches and holes. Some area of it seems worn out and the other feels quite new. Sometimes the fabric feels like a second skin, whereas at other times you realise that it just doesn’t fit your taste.

    Separation, thus can be compared with the cut placed on the bundle of this fabric you own, each time a piece is taken out of our life.

    My grandmother passed away when I was 14. I remember clearly, how my brain simply found itself unable to process the reality. I still feel that this statement lacks the ability to justify the depth of my inability to get in terms with it. Your parents always love you and have faith in you, same as mine. But Naani was a person who made me feel that there was a hidden power inside me, something about which I am still not aware of. In her eyes, I was the epitome of a good human being, brimming with possibilities. Even today, whenever I face a situation which leaves me clueless and raises questions at myself, the memory of my reflection in her eyes gives me an immense boost of confidence. It makes me believe, that I’ll definitely be able to come up with something somehow.

    My love towards her was the piece of fabric that had been cut a long time ago. Strangely, the cut was so clean that by the time I could comprehend her loss, the separated piece had already woven itself with my conscience in the form of an unlimited reserve of confidence based on her belief in me.

    But the transition is not so smooth each time. Not every piece of the fabric called love is cut with such finesse. On the contrary, most of the cuts just refuse to be neat. The struggle through which the pieces go when cut off, is clearly visible, not only on them but on the entire bundle itself. At times, the fabric is unwillingly torn apart into these pieces by others. In any case, what we end up with is a tattered piece of fabric, giving away loose threads from its edges. Unrequited love, unfulfilled love, incomplete love, failed love, these all are samples of the above-mentioned tattered piece. They are the ones which deteriorate over time, as the threads of the separation loosen up and disintegrate the fabric each time it is used, be it in as a memory, or a reference.

    However, these odd pieces, putting their threads of separation at the display, are the ones which have also taught me about the importance of the two key things. Acceptance and Closure. I cannot dare say that I have come even close to embrace either of these. But yes, I do accept the fact that they are the key to put the odd pieces into better use. Maybe weave them together to create something new altogether. A blanket of love, ending up the way love is, imperfect. A reminder of all the components that have been involved in the making of it. Maybe that will aid in finding a continuous piece of fabric that is constantly being used and doesn’t need to cut till eternity. Or it will just teach us how to cut it cleaner; cuts after cuts after cuts.

    Hence, Acceptance and Closure themselves are the sewing machine to stitch close the loose ends of the tattered piece of the fabric. They give a final definition to your complex feelings. They try to even out the torn edges, give it a seam maybe, to preserve them as a standalone memory. So you end up with the ability to recollect the old and once familiar warmth of the fabric, without the baggage. I just wish if the world was so ideal.

    These machines are quite costly. And no, you cannot just throw money to own them. The currency they deal in involves a combination of patience, empathy and most importantly, love. Sometimes they ask for self love, whereas in other cases, just the respect towards the love which once existed, irrespective of the presence or absence of its traces around. People who can shell out this cost with the blink of an eye can be deemed uber rich, marking less than 0.01% of the total human population. Normal people like us take our time, first to assess if the machines are worth it, because it will take a lot of time emotionally to collect the droplets of all three for it. Then some more, to actually go through the process.

    The sadly honest part is, majority of us decide against it. We decide to get rid of the piece itself. Why bother spending so much? Why put so much efforts to save something which is no longer a part of you? Let it rot or wither away and get lost in the passage of time. Even better if you could shove the piece of fabric in the other person’s throat and let them choke on it. Ain’t it convenient to blame others for what went down? “Chuck it and move forward” ranks in as the second best option. However I feel if you could go through the second option, we might not be talking about the same fabric altogether.

    Another lesson I have learned from separation is the beauty of a relationship. I learned to see it and appreciate it. Separation does that to you. You learn to understand the intricacies of a close knit relationship, and to respect it for what it is. I know that the word relationship in itself restricts the imagination to a limited examples in your life, but look wider. The truest essence of what an ideal separation is, could be found in your childhood memories.

    Your best friend when you were 6, do you have any clue where they are or what are they doing now?
    If yes, are you still in contact, in touch anyhow?
    Yes again?
    Then are they still your best friend?
    It’s most probably a no.
    Did you forget the person?
    No.
    The memories you had with them?
    As clear as they come.
    What happens when you tap into them?
    You end up feeling warm, nostalgic. You are completely aware of the fact that these days will not come again. Maybe you would like to revisit them together someday. But you don’t bet on it. You accept them for what they were, what they meant to you then and now, acknowledging their place and importance in your life.

    That’s how separation should ideally be. But we don’t live in a perfect world. I hardly think that the separations you will go through would end up even close. However, as the lines of one my all time favourite song goes –

    You’d have to walk a thousand miles
    In my shoes, just to see
    What it’d be like, to be me
    I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
    Just to see what I’d be like to
    Feel your pain, you feel mine
    Go inside each other’s mind
    Just to see what we find
    Look at shit through each other’s eyes

    Because the most crucial thing which you must always remember is, the fabric called love gets cut in pairs. It’s never just about your bundle. These little threads of separation are possibly the only thing common left. Savour it.

  • TO GOODBYES, AND WELCOMES..

    The quintessential for a rebirth, would definitely be death. The beginning of a new chapter urges the completion of the last one. There needs to be an end, for a new beginning to occur. You get the gist of it; this is a customary, end of the year rant, which will progress towards why the passing year needs to be paid farewell, no matter how it treated you. Or why you should welcome the arriving year with open arms. So I’ll wrap up the formalities by simply stating that only the fools cry over spilled milk, which in hindsight would be this year. And the coming year has not harmed you yet, so why blame it for something it has yet to do? Let it spoil everything for you after the new season of Game of Thrones ends, and you end up waiting aimlessly, yet again for another season, till another year. Cringe about it at that year’s end, not now!

    This year, personally, has been full of surprises, for lack of better words. Surprises, because I don’t know how they’ll fare. It would be premature to comment on their nature just yet. But their magnitude is definitely equivalent to the tectonic shifts. Do you realize how the historical timeline is based on the occurrence of singular event, birth of Jesus Christ; A.D.(Anno Domini) and B.C.(Before Christ). The events which took place in this year are of the magnitude which have the capability to mark this year as year zero for me.

    To address the journey covered till now, the path which came to an end, the destination which ended up solidifying the fact that it was all just a wild goose chase, a fairy tale, I don’t have much words. This departure is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been made to do. An era ended. Some dreams were just wiped off the slate and disintegrated into the dark black hole, called reality. I know as someone who is writing, I need to make the reader aware of the intent and reference, but this story is for another time.

    A little private address to the people who know they are being addressed; you individuals mean the world to me, and I just wish you immense happiness in your lives and journeys ahead, from the bottom of my heart. Just let me be a bit selfish for a while. Let me mourn, get angry, feel shattered for a few moments more, because our journey at least deserves my unhinged and unapologetically true feelings. I don’t want to know what you are going through, because at the moment I can’t help you. Neither can you help me. Let’s deal with our own demons so that we can smile tomorrow. We won’t be able to walk on the same road or have the same destination, but let’s meet up at the junctions once in a while. You guys are an inseparable part of me, and I’ll carry us wherever I go. Just give me time so that I can preserve a speck of us from reality, at least in my own space.

    So as I said, an era ended. But that’s not all that happened. First job happened. First boss, first sale, first salary. Small things which fill up your heart, they all happened. Something else also happened. An era began. Love happened. And that too in the most unrealistic way possible, which makes it way more realistic to my crooked sense of reality. Happiness happened.

    To address the journey yet to cover, another wild goose chase has begun, but the eyes are not at the goose. They are smiling towards the one accompanying in the goose chase. I am living yet another fairy tale, but it’s just the other participant in the tale that actually matters. Some new dreams are there on the slate taking up the space vacated on it.

    Again a little private address to the fellow participant in the fairy tale play. Sometimes, you find the perfect piece that fits in your puzzle. But rarer are the occasions when you feel like the perfect piece of someone else’s puzzle. Thank you just for existing on this planet and stop sticking out that tongue at me 🙂

    To sum it all up, embrace this year and give it a parting farewell. This year, whatever it has done to you, will not come back. Yeah, there is no guarantee that the next year won’t be as cruel or as generous as the parting one. But we can at least try to coax it by giving it a splendid welcome, isn’t it! Come on, we are Indians. Flattery and bribery attempt karna to banta hai..

     

    Image Coutsey:

    http://68.media.tumblr.com/13c54c147f415ed8a573d0bb574944b3/tumblr_moginwRpoQ1qkxrtro1_1280.jpg