My hands are rusty. It’s been a long time since the fingers were summoned by the heart to do some spillover. And there have been reasons behind it. Being self-aware is probably one of them. When I used to write earlier, it was never in the hope of being read. I always happened to put forth a part of me that I’ve had not expressed, or felt has not been given the ample opportunity to express to the best of my ability. And now, I have changed.
I acknowledge it. I have changed. Not in the form of turning into person B from person A, but rather conversing with the person inside person A and bringing it at the forefront, hence evolving into new person A. I had been struggling to use the word “evolve” in my own context, because it might sound presumptuous. As I had been told that, in recent times, I was appearing to be someone who feels they are better than people around them. I’ll be honest, I tackled the question quite well then. But truly, I did feel that if I am, or if I feel like I do, what’s wrong with that? I know I am not a superior person, but identifying a field or an aspect of life where you are better than someone else, is it wrong? Rubbing it, is. I am not a show-off. I think I am not. But I do sometimes knowingly, in a very sadistic manner, rub salt all over the wound, rather ego of someone. Partly because I can, but mainly because they are being blatantly ignorant about how dumb they sound at times. Yeah, I have maxed out on my patience.
The guy I used to be in my 20s was someone with immense patience. I still do, but then I used it very liberally. Today, I think I have a good enough data to assess applying patience where is just a humongous waste of it. And yes, I have now someone who, if they want, should be able to monopolize it. Two of them now actually. Bliss of my life.
I was never an insecure person. But after having Swati and now Polo, I do have a sense of fulfillment that I didn’t know exist. Now I know how it’s physically possible to feel your heart to be full. The downside is that my patience with the rest has gone for a toss. I do not regret it, like it even. Simply because all my 20s, I thought it was my responsibility to be there for someone who needed me. And people did, when they had issues. It took a lot of time for me to realize that even though I know their issues, I do not know these people. And more importantly, they don’t know me. They would love to assume.
It was tough breaking out of their assumptions. Is still tough at times. Self doubt creeps quite easily. Afterall, not everyone around you could be wrong? Only you can’t be right all the time? The struggle is real. A few days ago my mother asked me, which I am paraphrasing, didn’t I think I have become more strongheaded and less flexible in recent times. It was followed by me trying to explain how this was something that I wanted to, and have worked upon to reach towards, including the whys of it. I was occassionally pigheaded earlier, now I am trying to be more aware and vocal. I listen to reason and have less patience to discount the lack of it otherwise. Which is something I carefully tried to avoid doing in my 20s. Then, my motto was to be as neutral as possible. To be good to who is good to you and vice versa. But then at the ending of my 20s I started founding it inadequate to answer all my questions.
That flip had very heavily affected me and my equations with people around me. In hindsight, it wasn’t something that they asked for, or were given a notice about, so I understand their bewilderment, disbelief and even straight up non acceptance. But it was neither my problem, nor I went ahead and made it for me. And it wasn’t easy to do that at any level. Last few years have been a struggle. It is tough enough trying to know yourself better and accept what you discover, but what makes it an even unforgiving uphill battle, is how your inner circle reacts to it. Which is directly proportional to how much attuned to societal norms they are. Thankfully, I found my core in more than one ways.
So why this post? No special reason. Just an honest update to myself, that I’ve reached a place where I can again say what’s in my mind. It will be incorrect to say that I don’t know or don’t care who it might hurt at times, but then I’ll try not to get so influenced by it that it doesn’t allow me to voice my truth. So yes, I’ll be trying to be regular in posting again.
ABSINRAW 