Tag: life

  • FRIEND ON A SUNDAY

    Hi Friend on a Sunday,

    Sorry for being such an ass, but since you know I am an ass, that makes it okay. I had been thinking of so many people, to whom I could write a letter. But I ended up at you.

    Maybe because I needed to talk to you the most. You always complain that I never call you or contact you. That you are not sure if I even think about how you are doing sometimes. So first thing I would like to clarify with this letter is that, I do. I know what you have went through. I pray to God that nobody should go through similar agony and turmoil. I know what we burn with, is not how the world looks at us, but how we look at ourselves.

    Anyway, bottom-line, my lack of contact is not due to me being wrapped up in my own world. The distance which you feel is not because I don’t care or am tired of caring, but because I want to care. It is a safety cushion for me. That tomorrow when things go south in my life, it could be contained. People say, friends can help each other through all thick and thin. That they are the people with whom you can be your most shameful self and they’ll accept you.

    We both know that proportionality of the vulnerability is directly related to the amount anyone opens themselves up. And I trust you, but I don’t trust myself.

    I don’t think if you realise, that the stakes have been highest with us. I cannot afford to gamble here, do a little bit of experimentation. Our friendship is 20 years old. And it is a constant one. We have seen every single phase possible of each other. That is the concrete basis of my belief, that you’ll survive anything that comes in your way. However, just remember that whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. But it does shatter your emotions. It starts from the zigzag broken edges, as with each hit, the crack travels a little more towards the center.

    You know when there is an uproar in any of our lives, we have our own way of dealing with it. Trust me when I say, I am more at ease when you are in a good space and I am in shitty situation, as compared to the opposite. Because I can handle my shit in some way or the other, but I cannot do so on your behalf. Moreover, what if my shitty response gave you a shitty idea which shat over an existing shitty situation?

    Too much shit all over.

    Now that we are clear on where we are coming from, I’ll start the actual letter.

    I was just thinking about some incidents that happened when we were kids. This was somewhere in 4th standard, when we evolved from pencils to pens. When bhaiya used to come to Johny’s house for taking drawing classes. So, my mom sent me to take those.

    I bought those fancy scented wax colors, the one with the heads of those superheroes, and a brand new sketch book. I was quite excited that I’ll get to learn something new. What he made me do, was copy one of Johny’s drawings, color by color. And man I was pissed. Since then we have mutual respect for each other, I guess.

    You ratted me out once when I bunked school to go to Manish Bhaiya’s  PS2 parlour. To take revenge, I changed all the moves of your default player Stone Cold Steve Austin to a female wrestler’s. You got your ass handed the next time you came to play. Though that would have been the result otherwise too.

    Knowing me, me forgetting about you should be the least of your concerns. However we are in a space, as opposite as possible, to the kind of future we imagined. Our past selves would have definitely been shocked, and bombarded us with all sorts of questions about what went wrong. And those jerks could be nasty and ruthless. We need to set things right, by bringing ourselves on the right track.

    The person who didn’t use to give or take shit from anybody else, should not be questioning their interpersonal skills now, when they need to be the person they always have been. People get misjudged all the time. People don’t get the second chance they thought they deserve, plenty of times. Open up any history book and start reading. The difference between the names you’ll find in the book and the ones you don’t, is what they did after that.

    As far as I am concerned, no I haven’t figured it all out. I am probably a bigger disappointment to my past self than you could ever be. But I think I have started to make my peace with it. Instead of thinking about where I should have been, what I deserved, I am more on the lines of where I am and how to make the best use of it to reach what I think I deserve. So that I could just get away with a tap on my head by my past self.

    It’s our individualistic journey. We can be of limited help to each other, but I believe that if any of us does good, it triggers the best in the other too. We never have been competitors, but team mates, who ultimately score for the team.

    I can continue writing for an eternity and still there will be topics left. That’s how long it has been and the kind of content I have accumulated over time. But maybe for some other letter, some other reality check.

    –Your Friend on a Saturday,
    Abhinav

     

     

  • HACK TO LIFE: Work in Progress

    Time never stops. The world around us, it never comes to a halt. At times it may feel like it has, usually when something bad has happened, be it on a personal or universal level. But the flow of time which tends to be frozen, has just been slowed down in perspective to your fast paced lifestyle. It reminds me of the saying true to its essence – “This too shall pass,” which cheekily highlights the undertone of the two extremities this statement stands for, tying together with one fate.

    This has always been the bottom line of everything your life stands for, even if you realize it or not. Even if your unconscious consciousness hints you at it, or your subconscious alertness pokes you as soon as you start getting cozier than the allowed threshold. Whatever we are going through, it won’t be the same forever. So, theoretically, either we need to live in the moments. Or, we need to construct our life in reference to our favorite moments, so that the chances of us living in the similar moments or situations increases. As I said, theoretically.

    Practically, the first theory is plausible. It’s quite straightforward to be honest, following the principles of “The whole world is your Oyster”, “Life is full of endless possibilities” etc. You live in the moments, for the moments, one moment at a time. Lucky bastards.

    The second theory, is the default mechanism instilled in my being. Each life which I have ever been touched by, has been stored in the form of a memory in the intricacies of my brain. I have never been able to figure it out how it works, but these memories have always been an active guidance system. They have been the prime beacon which alerts me when the situation starts feeling familiar. The layup to something good, or not so good. Therefore, I experience the occurrence of Deja vu quite frequently.

    Theoretically, this should be a better system. Because the selective nature of this theory should only give birth to close and personal experiences, while keeping away more casual and time consuming ones. Ironically, that in itself is its primary fault.

    When you only react to selective people, who give you a certain vibe, you are exposing yourself to a very tiny fraction of people who pass by you. So, as you keep moving ahead in life, the filter becomes narrower. The closeness is something you don’t feel easily as it turns out to be an exclusivity, or rarity. And if you end up getting a hint of it, you latch on to it.

    This theory is contradicted by the practical aspect of it. Even if the Deja vu is the guidance system based on the reference memories, what it actually seek are similar possibilities. The possibilities and situations might feel similar, but the most important decisive factor, the human factor, is often forgotten. Even if the presence of a person or a group of people makes you feel familiar, good, warm… ultimately they are not the same people. Though, it is not a bad thing at all. Exposing yourself to different and new people brings in new experiences. And in many instances, that leads to the diversification of the narrow filter. The initial comfort is converted into new experiences, new memories due to same reason. That even though the feeling of Deja vu existed, they are not the same people, resulting in different end results.

    The problem lies in the memories too powerful. The memories which start overshadowing the reality. In this system, the memory doesn’t fade away. It doesn’t get corroded. The background noise in it might be removed, to make it more compact, but the essence of it remains intact, so is the person associated. Hence, each time a powerful memory is overwritten, there is no doubt that the new version is stronger than the reference memory. Giving birth to a new reference memory, harder to overwrite.

    In simpler words, memories, like the feeling of love, which always will be unique, are the toughest nut to crack. Even if you feel the similar vibes again and they are not strong enough as to what you have already felt, it just won’t work. On the lucky side, friendship doesn’t get much affected, as you could have multiple friends at a time, even if they are not as close to you as the closest friend you got.

    Another societal downside to this entire theory, is the communication. Every memory is stored in the brain, like a video stored in your computer hard drive. You just need to click on it to play it. Sometimes, you forget the location where you saved it, but if you ever accidentally stumble over and play it, it will seem like as if it just happened yesterday.

    One way or the other, if you have ever touched my life, your clip is present with me. Not all of them would be of same quality. Some clips might be of few seconds and some would be a feature film. But the gist of it is that I don’t forget people. More like, I can’t forget people. Who has left what kind of impression in how much time, is completely out of my hands. You might think I don’t remember you, or have forgotten you because we haven’t talked for ages. I can’t even explain how wrong you are, as you are always a click or a stumble away up in the brain. However, it is just the perceptional problem.

    The real pain lies in the fact, that the people whom you owe some of the most powerful memories till date, now cease to exist in your life. When the memories which are a major part of your psyche, turns into hollow references. When each comparison leads to them, only ending up into realization that the shoes are too big to fill. And time, well it keeps ticking.

    I wish there was a corrective measure, which could scrap the distance between the theory and practicality of this idea. Otherwise the entire cycle of being stuck in a Deja vu would slowly eat away the happiness, the memories were supposed to be a referential guide to. Because I’ll always prefer living for the moments, rather than living in them. Optimism also has the undertone of the two opposites- boon and curse, tied together with one fate.

     

     

     

    Image Courtesy:
    https://media.giphy.com/media/XN8pBJ6HrLTOM/giphy.gif

     

     

  • THE BRUNCH

    “What is your highest Flappy Bird score?” she asked while leaning over into the mobile screen.
    “Ohho! just wait a minute! I am on it!” he evaded her without shifting his gaze from it.

    “127!!?? Are you for real??”     She sounded surprised, though it was hard to judge if she was being sarcastic. His head nodded in disappointment while he dumped the mobile on the sofa.
    “Yeah, just 127… All thanks to you!” he grumbled as he moved towards the kitchen.

    “Heyyy… What did I do? Stop blaming me for your failures!”     she snapped back as she refused to move away from the sofa and settled herself comfortably instead.

    It was a beautiful, but chilly Friday morning. The sun was now visible over high towering buildings around the society. And living on the top floor of a multi-storied building in a society, makes it easier for you to have access to all the sunlight at the terrace for yourself.

    As he cluttered through the kitchenware, to fix a snack from the last night’s leftovers, she suddenly whispered in his ears, “No maid today again?”

    “Yeah, she had to go to the doctor’s.”     he replied while focusing on the question, how he wanted the eggs. After a brief moment and sudden realization, he shot back, “You have off today! That’s why you are so chirpy in the morning!”

    “I think it’s high time and you should remember by now that I have my Fridays off.”     she smirked, following it with a fake sulky pout.

    She was completely ignored! His attention on the breakfast is worth the respect.
    “I would have made you something, but then I thought we could have a brunch someplace. Let’s try out one from our list!” her voice was bursting with energy, and it made a solid attempt to grab his attention.

    “You didn’t make me anything because I don’t drink tea, and that was your best bet!”     he teased her while flipping the eggs. “But honestly, brunch sounds like a good idea. However, you do remember I have working Fridays??”

    His stare caught her hiding behind the sofa, from where she peeked over and answered, “I do!! But you can call in sick! I am going to the terrace. You take off today or I’ll take off!” she stuck out her tongue at him, and ran upstairs.

    All he could do was smile and follow her, along with the breakfast.
    Because breakfast is essential…

    —

     

    As he sat beside her on the green, wet grass, she closed her eyes and leaned back to soak the sun in. The small rose garden at the terrace, with the sun, just strong enough to break through the morning winter chill, was a personal getaway. He could feel goosebumps all over his body, as the warmth eased him off and seeped into him. An occasional blow of wind turned it into a cycle. As soon as he kept his phone off after calling in sick, she turned towards him and stared blankly. He saw her giving that look to his plate, and then to him.

    “Don’t give me that look! I’ll be fine for the brunch even with this breakfast.” he managed to speak while chewing on what was left of it. She smiled and closed her eyes again, facing towards the sun and breathed “It feels good here. Let’s just stay.”

    He didn’t smile back. His eyes stared directly at the sun till they hurt, and then closed themselves.

    “I felt something peculiar yesterday”     he muttered as he sat there.

    “I was riding motorcycle while returning from the office, and the speed was a bit high. My mind was jumbled up about something and suddenly it felt like the time has slowed down.
    Like I could just give the accelerator full throttle and let the bike go on, till it crashes into something.
    How would it feel? How would I feel if it crashed? Would the whole slow motion feeling would be gone in an instant? Maybe I’ll fly to a certain distant.
    Floating in mid-air, slow motion.”

    She opened her eyes and stared at him. His eyes were still closed and the face was difficult to read. “Well, that’s dark.” she stated, remaining composed.

    However, he pictured her looking at him with a somber expression, hence couldn’t help but smirk. “I know! But I felt pretty light at that moment. Anyhow, your company does affect you.” He commented sarcastically while enjoying the warmth of the sun on his eyelids. Just the spot!

    “So, what was your mind jumbled in when this happened?” her voice entered his ears, echoing in the pitch-black darkness, with the orange hue. His sigh marked his awareness regarding the occurrence of this question.

    As he opened his eyes, he found her looking at him without any traces of the chirpiness, which floated across her face a few moments before. She had an air of seriousness around her. His head turned up towards the cloudless sky, in a futile hope for the sun to be covered for a bit. So, he took a deep breath and replied, “I was thinking about us…”

    She felt as if the anticipation she had, just got verified. She took her time to respond and began it with a sigh, “I thought I was pretty clear about it. And it seemed like you understood.”

    The voice sounded firm as well as the tone. He looked at the empty plate kept besides him as he avoided looking at her. “I know. I still understand. But that doesn’t change the way I feel.”

    Her voice turned into laughter, which assured sarcasm this time. She leaned forward to inspect a rose bud in the garden and softly spoke “It’s better if we don’t talk about feelings. I think we both are pretty clear about where each of us stands.” her voice trailed a bit, as she stood up and started walking towards the edge of the terrace.

    He didn’t move a muscle and kept sitting on the grass. It was difficult to get through to her, and he knew he was at fault. “The feelings were imbalanced, and I hit the nail on its head.” he spoke softly, trying to weigh-in where to place the statement.

    “You cheated. Don’t sugarcoat it.”     she leaned at the edge, as if to check something, and turned back and questioned, “Since how long have you not washed your bike?”

    He was feeling the goosebumps again. But there was no chilly wind to cause it.     “It’s been a week… And you know I didn’t mean it. It was the booze.” he retorted back, although he knew it very well how lame the argument sounded.

    “So, you tell? Do you get to get away?”     she spoke as she again leaned over to see something that had caught her fancy downstairs.

    “No. But I didn’t hide it, or lied.”     his eyes were fixated at the grass, twisting and uprooting whatever he got his hands on.

    She turned around towards him, took a deep breath and sat down resting herself against the border of the terrace. “You do know I am not mad at you for it? We were in long distance relationship. We knew it could happen. We had discussed it earlier.”

    He coldly smiled as he heard those words and his hands stopped. “Does it make me less guilty? Does that mean that I didn’t screw up? Does that mean things could go back to what they were?
    No.”

    “But the chances of us surviving were anyhow…” she tried to interrupt.

    “Were scarce, I agree! But I sabotaged it. I know it. I accept it. And I’ll have to live with it.” He completed himself assertively. She just sat there, silently, looking at him, without blinking her eyes. His hands were intertwined with each other as he dug a hole in the garden with his stare.

    “Yeah, and that’s why you should eat more… Let’s go to the brunch!” She casually tried to change the topic and started to move downstairs.

    “I am not a fool you know… Watching a movie alone is one thing. Eating alone at a restaurant is just plain sad. I’ll ask some friends first.” he muttered as he raised his head. He was unable to notice the trace of smile that ran across her face when she heard him. “So, you don’t need me after all! I am not even counted in as company!” she looked back at him wearing that smile.

    “Had I not needed you, would you be here?” he questioned her as his eyes brimmed with emotions hard to describe.

    “Don’t you think I could have been a bit taller and thinner?”     she chuckled as she stood on the stairs sticking her tongue out at him again.

    Caught off-guard at this remark all of a sudden, a second later he burst into laughing.

    They both laughed and the moment was perfect.

    The place was perfect.

    The time was perfect.

    “Girl you are amazing, just the way you are!” he mocked singing as he stood up from the grass and carried the plates downstairs, behind her, fake dancing on the tune of it.

    —

    As he put up the dishes in the kitchen sink, the doorbell rang up. It was the maid. “Sorry bhaiyya for being late! The waiting line at the Doctor’s place was very long!”

    “It’s fine Radha ji. As long as you inform me beforehand, it could be managed. Just skip the breakfast and lunch, take care of the rest.” he hurriedly replied as he took his jacket, helmet and the keys to his bike.

    “Bhaiyya… Going somewhere?” the maid enquired as he reached the door.

    “Yeah, I am going on brunch with her. You can do the preparations for dinner directly. I’ll be late.”

    “On brunch with her?? With whom?” the maid asked in surprise. She saw around and only found him standing at the door.

    He looked at the maid, and then at Her standing beside him, all set to go. “Umm… Nobody! Just my imagination! I am going to eat alone.” he smiled as he shut the door up on the perplexed maid.

     

     

     

    Image Courtsey:
    http://www.ramsheadtavern.com/Menus/2016/BRUUCHweb.jpg

  • TO GOODBYES, AND WELCOMES..

    The quintessential for a rebirth, would definitely be death. The beginning of a new chapter urges the completion of the last one. There needs to be an end, for a new beginning to occur. You get the gist of it; this is a customary, end of the year rant, which will progress towards why the passing year needs to be paid farewell, no matter how it treated you. Or why you should welcome the arriving year with open arms. So I’ll wrap up the formalities by simply stating that only the fools cry over spilled milk, which in hindsight would be this year. And the coming year has not harmed you yet, so why blame it for something it has yet to do? Let it spoil everything for you after the new season of Game of Thrones ends, and you end up waiting aimlessly, yet again for another season, till another year. Cringe about it at that year’s end, not now!

    This year, personally, has been full of surprises, for lack of better words. Surprises, because I don’t know how they’ll fare. It would be premature to comment on their nature just yet. But their magnitude is definitely equivalent to the tectonic shifts. Do you realize how the historical timeline is based on the occurrence of singular event, birth of Jesus Christ; A.D.(Anno Domini) and B.C.(Before Christ). The events which took place in this year are of the magnitude which have the capability to mark this year as year zero for me.

    To address the journey covered till now, the path which came to an end, the destination which ended up solidifying the fact that it was all just a wild goose chase, a fairy tale, I don’t have much words. This departure is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been made to do. An era ended. Some dreams were just wiped off the slate and disintegrated into the dark black hole, called reality. I know as someone who is writing, I need to make the reader aware of the intent and reference, but this story is for another time.

    A little private address to the people who know they are being addressed; you individuals mean the world to me, and I just wish you immense happiness in your lives and journeys ahead, from the bottom of my heart. Just let me be a bit selfish for a while. Let me mourn, get angry, feel shattered for a few moments more, because our journey at least deserves my unhinged and unapologetically true feelings. I don’t want to know what you are going through, because at the moment I can’t help you. Neither can you help me. Let’s deal with our own demons so that we can smile tomorrow. We won’t be able to walk on the same road or have the same destination, but let’s meet up at the junctions once in a while. You guys are an inseparable part of me, and I’ll carry us wherever I go. Just give me time so that I can preserve a speck of us from reality, at least in my own space.

    So as I said, an era ended. But that’s not all that happened. First job happened. First boss, first sale, first salary. Small things which fill up your heart, they all happened. Something else also happened. An era began. Love happened. And that too in the most unrealistic way possible, which makes it way more realistic to my crooked sense of reality. Happiness happened.

    To address the journey yet to cover, another wild goose chase has begun, but the eyes are not at the goose. They are smiling towards the one accompanying in the goose chase. I am living yet another fairy tale, but it’s just the other participant in the tale that actually matters. Some new dreams are there on the slate taking up the space vacated on it.

    Again a little private address to the fellow participant in the fairy tale play. Sometimes, you find the perfect piece that fits in your puzzle. But rarer are the occasions when you feel like the perfect piece of someone else’s puzzle. Thank you just for existing on this planet and stop sticking out that tongue at me 🙂

    To sum it all up, embrace this year and give it a parting farewell. This year, whatever it has done to you, will not come back. Yeah, there is no guarantee that the next year won’t be as cruel or as generous as the parting one. But we can at least try to coax it by giving it a splendid welcome, isn’t it! Come on, we are Indians. Flattery and bribery attempt karna to banta hai..

     

    Image Coutsey:

    http://68.media.tumblr.com/13c54c147f415ed8a573d0bb574944b3/tumblr_moginwRpoQ1qkxrtro1_1280.jpg

  • “WHAT WAS IT AGAIN” – Poem

    Did I drop it?
    Maybe I left it somewhere!
    Did I even have it in the first place?
    God, I wished so hard,
    for it to be there.

    But it never was,
    What was it called again?
    I did get some bits and pieces,
    Some bloomed early,
    some left in vain.

    A To-Do List.
    Still hangs unchecked.
    Meant to remind me what needs to be done,
    Still hangs there.
    Ghost of all things left unsaid:

    Saved mobile balance,
    did top-up recharge
    to last all night for long conversations.

    Ended up using it all.
    “Your main balance has been depleted by internet”,
    was the mobile phone notification.

    Asked friends for loan
    against property – mobile
    to collect pennies
    for imaginary date nights.

    Honed creativity,
    each skill in subcategory,
    gave splendid demonstrations
    resulted in friendly favors.

    Dropped hints to my mom
    that her son has all grown.
    something might be cooking,
    which would end him getting disowned.

    Supposedly held revolver,
    loaded with blank,
    Turned out, was a toy gun,
    sprays water and shoots from opposite end.

    I had it all ready,
    A perfect runaway wedding plan.
    A magistrate, I remained in contact with
    Two set of legal IDs for witness,
    and a book named
    “How to start a new life in Japan?”

    I wish I could have done it all alone
    I seriously wish sometimes, I do
    But there was an absence of culprit, you see
    Whose name I could get painted in black,
    or dark blue.

    Someone whom parents blame,
    for my sleepless nights and high mobile bills.
    Someone whom friends despise,
    Label as gold-digger, friend snatcher or plain buzzkill.
    Someone who refuses to runaway,
    Because obviously, we belong to different cast and parental love.
    Someone, who acted wide eyed on the creative demo-gifts,
    Even though believed that diamonds are always a cut above.

    Had it been so,
    the life would have been a sparkling, perfect gem.
    Did I drop it? Maybe I left it somewhere
    Did I even have it in the first place?
    What was it again?