I was startled to see her today. She looked exactly as I remembered when I last saw her on my phone before I deleted her pictures. I held anger inside me; against myself; against her; against situations; against taken decisions. Against God.
Seething red hot anger in a deep pit, under layers of seemingly burnt-to-crisp charcoal. Where all naked eyes could see, is grey dust, but if they are unlucky, their nose would catch the stench of the charred and burnt flesh, dissipating from the heart buried at the core of the pit. I thought it was impossible for it to sense anything given its state.
But then she looked at me and smiled.
The purgatory my heart existed in, ceased to exist. As if it never suffered.
Which was when I woke up.
Maybe, when you are constantly in a certain level of pain, your body is able to take it as the new benchmark for normal, recalibrating your pain scale. Maybe that dream was the fresh breeze that helped my heart to restore back to full health, to continue facing the purgatory it resides in.
I am now able to understand how some people willingly spend their lives in pursuit of something that surely exists, but not in the realm of logic, but lucky, purely coincidental accidents. It changes from funny, to inspiring, to sad depending on how long you have been chasing it.
I thought I will stop a stop before sad. Then her smile revived my heart yet again. I hope it turns into ashes soon enough before the dreaded destination arrives.
ABSINRAW 