ABSINRAW

“Sigh..”

In the absolute absence of sound, within the little room deep inside the head somewhere, something that operates this entire biological machinery visible as a human body labelled with name Abhinav, has been peeking through the glass windows into this screen, waiting.

Waiting for a particular sound to originate.

Not the periodical, long drawn scraping of the graphite nib against the coarse pages. Neither the ignorantly unintelligible communication between the socially accepted, walking on all fours with a tail “best friends”, which can be a prelude to a territorial war, or maybe just a casual gossip across the streets.

A sound that is being sought by something, without being aware of what it is.

Till that happens, the storage of sounds is being managed in an optimistic fashion. By letting out stored “Sighs” in order to make space and waiting.

Waiting for that particular sound to originate.

It is much easier to create complexities in the simple things that we want to convey, rather than finding easy ways to express something complex. Although the knots that are left to be resolved are many, and none at the same time, this time the sound I am seeking, is a sound that can travel, as I write this, to someone whose biological machinery is on its way to a different city. A different country. A different continent. With the hope that, not if, but when the sound originates, it finds place in it, as a piece of now, here… us.

It took me therapy (theory) and then marriage (for the practical) to realize that us, “Rawats” (just family), have a pretty limited range of expressions for our feelings.

We are pretty good in stating facts, even more amazing when putting logic forth. We do understand feelings, we can articulate them well in other forms, but as far as the talking language of emotions itself is concerned, oh we fail so splendidly!

Our coping and defense mechanisms are pretty sturdy, fortress grade. But that’s the issue too, as it is pretty difficult to put down those walls we have so strongly built all our lives. Be it our sarcasm, strong headedness, solitude functioning, or silence management. Very dangerous with all those S’s.

And hence, originally, I had thought of having a conversation with my brother, before he leaves for a different continent to pursue his career further. Though in a manner that would more honestly reflect my emotions.

Unlike usual, where all the expression comes in the form of public writing, maybe tell him in person, how proud he always has made me feel.

Maybe pat his back to reassure, that he does not need worry about our parents, just in case, and can explore the opportunity to its fullest.

Maybe hug him goodbye and allow me to tear up a little.

Maybe express my emotions a bit more honestly and upfront, rather than waving from the fortress wall.

But well, I guess we made the walls too strong, or, now find ourselves more comfortable with the signal system we came up with.

It’s not as we are unable to express or understand what we mean for each other. That love, and clarity about it, is as transparent as melted snow (I hope that’s visibly transparent enough as an example, TBH). I just want to do it as much more humanely, and as less as a biological machinery as possible.

So, for this time, let me take a step forward by exposing the tunnel below the fortress wall at my end. Hoping, that the huge bridging doors would find themselves to be in motion more often, at both of our ends.

Brother, spread your wings and seize the sun in your talons. Your wings are not made of wax, but of your grit and brilliance. Soar away. You’ll not fall, you’ll not fail. As this voice and its echo will propel you forward towards wherever your path takes, be it back home. Godspeed to new heights.